The Power of the AND

3 Minute read

Who had the Connect kit in their home, that magnetic one, with the balls and the sticks, the bits that always blocked the hoover!? It always fascinated me how each one of my children could make very different shapes, ones that got more convoluted, as time went on. There are so many popular toys, that we buy our children, toys that are good for improving fine motor skills, all toys that have connecting bits, Brio, Duplo, jigsaw puzzles, Lego, bits that all slot in and fit together. Did you watch your child get more confident with them, each time, building more and more complicated constructions? And then would say…”let’s tidy up now”, in my house, the beloved construction would be put on display for Daddy to look at but eventually it would have  to be broken up and put back in it’s box. It could never be lasting.

We teach our children from a very early age to Continue reading “The Power of the AND”

Time for a Parenting Detox?

 

We have set new goals at the beginning of a new year since ancient times. I

have read that the ancient Babylonians, 4000 years ago  are believed to have been the the first people to make New Year’s resolutions and then the  Romans made promises of good conduct to the God Janus, for the following year.

It is common to set personal intentions around Diet, Alcohol, Weight, Travel, Career or Business, Education, Hobbies, Self Help and Bad Habits, but do you consider setting any intentions regarding your family life, and specifically your Parenting? Continue reading “Time for a Parenting Detox?”

Top Tips to beat Sibling Rivalry

Sibling Rivalry…Uggh!

(3 minute read time.)

Take two kids in competition for their parents’ love and attention. Add to that the envy that one child feels for the accomplishments of the other; the resentment that each child feels for the privileges of the other; the personal frustrations that they don’t dare let out on anyone else but a brother or sister, and it’s not hard to understand why in families across the land, the sibling relationship contains enough emotional dynamite to set off rounds of daily explosions.

(Adele Faber).

Sibling Rivalry…..Uggh, it’s one of the things that most parents struggle with knowing how to handle and one of the things that often causes us to reach the end of our tether, no matter how hard we try and stay calm.

Much of today’s popular advice about Parenting still ignores emotion. Yet emotion is what fuels all behaviours, including sibling rivalry and spats and it’s emotion that fuels our responses too.

The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient, compliant child, but one where we as parents can empower them to problem solve and internally regulate their own emotions from a young age.

Therefore the secret lies in:

  1. Your perspective: how you perceive why siblings argue. If you can see it as a process and a natural part of their development,  a practice ground if you like, of your children testing the waters of  interacting and managing relationships, then you can encourage and empower them to learn problem solving techniques and the skill of co-operation.  But also to see all behaviours as a communication of a need. There will be a positive intention behind the poor behaviour always.
  2. How you manage the situation and react. Do you use discipline for learning opportunities and teaching values, or for punishment?

What are The Weller Way’s top tips?

  • Allow your children to have differences: Only step in if it gets out of hand and they are not able to sort it out themselves
  • Hitting, kicking, pushing etc is the result of a child having exhausted all the options of having his needs met. Because he doesn’t have the necessary brain development to control his feelings or think of ways to solve a problem, we can step in to help, but first:
  • Consider your attitude to conflict. Do you find it difficult and always want to shut it down?
  • Their argument is not your argument, therefore Don’t take sides: Make observations and describe what you see happening without judgement. This acknowledges each child’s perspective. Ask questions, rather than telling them to “STOP THAT”. Ask if they can come up with a solution, before you suggest one.
  • With older children, we can ask |”why do you think I am concerned about what I am seeing?”
  • Identify the need…”name it to tame it”.  Is it a need to protect something they are working on? Is it fuelled by wanting a sense of ownership? Or is it hunger, tiredness, frustration etc?? Understanding the need does not mean you agree with their behaviour.
  • Put the limit on the behaviour, not the need. A limit should be something you want them to learn, and must be something that you can carry out consistently. Limits tie into family values: e.g We don’t hit each other because we love and respect each other. This builds awareness of  the WHY  certain behaviors are wrong.
  • Don’t use guilt i.e “What is wrong with you”, or “I am so disappointed in you” or “why can’t you behave like your brother”.
  • Don’t use a withdrawal of 1:1 time as a consequence, as this will have a negative effect on self esteem. Remember the behaviour is not the person.
  • Work on your own mindset and internal state. If we yell , they will yell more. It is better to remove yourself for a moment to breathe and count to 10, before tackling the situation in anger and frustration.
  • Try games that build teamwork and boost sibling co-operation.
  • Offer 1:1 un-interrupted consistent attention to each child where you can slot it into your routine and which feels natural.
  • Highlight and praise the uniqueness of each child using statements like: “I love it when you…..”

From their struggles to establish dominance over each other, siblings become tougher and more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed and agility. From their verbal sparring they learn the difference between being clever and being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. And sometimes, from their envy of each other’s special abilities they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve.                  

(Adele Faber)

Continue reading “Top Tips to beat Sibling Rivalry”

My type of Coaching: How I can help

The Pathway to my kinda  Coaching

It all started buying a new pair of glasses! I blindly (excuse the pun) expected to purchase a pair of glasses with little ado….eye test done, new frames chosen….voila! But then a protracted dilemma was drawn out by the choice and quality of lenses. I expect a pair of lenses to help me see, but I didn’t know that the quality of lenses, the thickness, the curvature, the coating, blah, blah, blah, would “enhance my sight even further, if I upgraded from the bronze quality to the gold quality. Whaaaat? The lengthy explanation that I would be able to see better for night driving…well yes, to see better would be most helpful! I started to feel anxious. In fact the whole process fed into my anxious brain…which presumably this selling psychology is supposed to do, to persuade me to spend far more money in upgrading from a lense that I might not be able to see the road in high definition, to one where I have super duper night road vision so that I don’t crash and die! Of course I ended up paying a stupid amount of money for the “premium” lense, as I long for the best vision possible, not to crash and die and I don’t want a pair of glasses that look like a pair of swimming goggles.

This process of what I now reflect upon as a form of insidious “selling” psychology seems to have permeated across the board . I think the official term is “upselling”. I have been busy trying to get into the “business lingo” while doing my business plan. Researching for my business plan….yes, I know I have started the business, but that’s me I tend to do everything backwards, leap in and learn along the way. Anyway, in my research I have been surprised at the amount of “business terminology” and upselling packages, in what is a people, not a product driven environment. I am quite baffled as to why anyone in the “helping people” sector are offering for example, the same models as for buying glasses, that is, a Bronze, Silver or Gold selection or a “VIP” package, because to me that gives the impression that the Bronze service is an “inferior” service to the Gold package or I’m not a VIP, because I can’t afford to be one. As a potential client I would be dismayed to think that a bracket of money would only entitle me to a part of a full service….again feeding into my “anxious” brain, that I could possibly be missing out on the advantages of the full  “VIP” or “Gold” package.  Using the very language of Bronze, Silver and Gold or anything similar has subliminal links with Competitive activities and the corporate world.

My Style, My Brand

During the last ten years of coaching vulnerable adults and children, they have always got the very best from me, there were all VIP’s in my eyes, people that needed extra TLC and support and I would constantly brainstorm in the most creative ways how to connect with each individual, no matter how challenging, to facilitate some form of “lightbulb” moments. Even when some told me to “f***k  o** I would wait for another opportunity, usually involving the art supplies.

I truly hope that you won’t feel the need to use expletives as my approach to coaching is that everyone gets 100% of The Weller Way, I have a flat fee for which in return I hope you will feel that you have gained personal reflection and a valuable insight into the most important job in the world.  There is no upselling with me, because that in my opinion is disingenuous. Generally people seek help from Coaches because they feel they are “not performing” in an area of their life, using competitive jargon in my opinion is counter productive. “Not performing well enough” is an indictment on our society’s fast paced, perfection seeking,  driven , ambitious culture and this is sadly filtering into our attitude about parenting. We strive to be the best parents that we can be, and that is natural, but not at the expense of beating ourselves up that we are not good enough because we are constantly making comparisons with others. Children are wonderfully forgiving, for most of the time, because they are hard-wired to seek a strong attachment with us, as long as we remember to apologise when we get it wrong. The Weller Way encourages and helps you to re-frame your thought processes from a stance of not good enough and feeling unable to juggle the demands of family life to feeling good enough, that you have a strong and secure connection with your child through which you can implement effective boundaries that are respected and can withstand whatever challenges are thrown your way.

 Parenting is Tough

as the Duchess of Cambridge reminded us recently , but it isn’t a competition, it’s a warts and all journey of unconditional love and building connection that can be strengthened by a little bit of coaching.

The Weller Way can guide you along a pathway, which encourages the following components to create a fully functional family:

P for Partnership

A for Authenticity

T for Trust

H for Heart.

Whether it’s a few sessions, or the full Circle of Security training,  I can help you feel more confident in ambling along your unique path. I hope that you can discover that being a real and not a perfect parent is something to aim for.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a     river moving in you, a joy.

Rumi.